Traveling Won’t Enlighten You

*This is a guest post written by Chay. Chay is a counselor who is passionate about everyone knowing the basics of mental health. She’s also just a human with a lot of thoughts and likes to put them together. Link here if you’d like to read more!

My parents used to always tell me as a kid: while you’re young and not married with kids, you should travel as much as you can. 

They took us places whenever they could, so it seemed like even though their advice was meaningful, they also showed us that life beyond kids does actually happen too. But even so, my parents’ gift became the seed that has now grown into something far more than just an open mind, but a curiosity to roam that’s brought me back to the airport year after year, looking for my next adventure. 

Everyone talks about how traveling will expand your horizons, that you’ll meet new people, you’ll see other cultures, and it’ll make you a more empathetic and enlightened person. But traveling itself doesn’t actually do that. You can see for yourself that plenty of politicians and celebrities travel the world way more regularly than we all can imagine – so why does it seem that some haven’t come back a reformed soul with depth and love for all humankind? 

The answer lies in what I call the: What vs. How principle. 

I got this idea from a wise woman named Tara, who was a teacher at the preschool where I worked back in the day, more than 8 years ago. She was the kind of woman that took shit from no one and had the kindest heart. She would often tell me in her life lesson speeches that came pretty much weekly: “My mama used to tell me, ‘Tara, it isn’t what you do, it’s how you do it.’ You gotta always pay attention to that. You could be speaking sense and making miracles but if you don’t say it how people can hear you, you could be telling them exactly how it is and they won’t hear a word you said.” 

I still think about that lesson Tara (and Tara’s mama) gave me pretty often. What I say is never half as important as how I say it. As a school counselor, I try to model this as much as possible to my kids – I’m always reminding them to listen to their tone, or to use kind words to express their frequent assertions and requests. They often find that the results they receive really are different with approaches. 

This principle applies to traveling too – and it affects us in the same way as it does my kids on the playground. 

The “What” is the Stuff of your travels. Where you’re going, how far you’re traveling, what you’ll do. The cool pics you’re gonna post to Instagram; the food you’ll eat; the stuff you’ll buy; even the activities you plan. You’ll achieve, you’ll gain, you’ll check things off your list. On paper, you had a great vacation. 

The “How” is three parts: your (and your traveling companions’) expectation, intention, and approach, combined. We all have experienced an event or activity that “should” have been fun, and it hasn’t been or at least not as nice as it looks on Instagram. If companions go into a trip with opposing expectations or intentions, for instance, their ideas about what constitutes a “good” vacation will be at odds with the people they are also supposed to be enjoying time with. However, if their approaches are complimentary – let’s say, two people are both comfortable with one getting a lot of outdoor time and the other would rather be enjoying a museum, they can split up and regroup, and their experience will be overall positive. 

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that a basic respect for humans and creatures who live in the places we travel is a big part of the “How” of traveling. As much as socializing has become a giant chore with the overload of information and the consumer culture that Americans have fully bought and invested into— it seems that money hasn’t bought our happiness. I’m as guilty as anyone of avoiding conversations with strangers. Social contact is often draining to me in many contexts. And yet, in those moments I decided to cross the forbidden social courtesy of ignoring a fellow human, I’ve often found the richest and most meaningful moments of the trips I’ve taken. 

Traveling can be a life changing experience. It can be eye opening and expand our compassion for others. And if we are going into a trip with the intention of consuming a culture and notching it in our belt, without giving something of ourselves to the place where we go – whether it’s our curiosity, our friendship, our respect, or our willingness to see the world from another’s point of view – we will be just as dissatisfied with our existence as we were before we left home. 

I’m writing this as I fly on yet another plane to another far off destination. It’s obvious to me that sometimes I do get caught up in trying to get the “perfect” selfie in an exotic location, or that I am drawn to novel experiences for the sake of having something interesting to say at a party. But when all is said and done, I will work on having every expectation and intention of approaching my vacations as journeys and not destinations, as a trip through someone else’s life and history, as a search for the common thread that ties each one of us to call this planet “home”.